


Back To 505

by untilmynextstory



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Jail, Love, Past Relationship(s), Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 03:33:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4903984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/untilmynextstory/pseuds/untilmynextstory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She let him in nothing she ever regretted because despite how artificial the relationship was back then there was always that potential, the possibility, she could have fallen in love with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one.

_**Stop and wait a sec** _

_**Oh, when you look at me like that, my darling** _

_**What did you expect?** _

_**I probably still adore you with your hands around my neck** _

_**Or I did last time I checked** _

_**-505 by Arctic Monkeys** _

* * *

She does not know why she came.

She knew this was a bad idea.

The wait sitting here in the muted hues of blue and gray were just adding fuel to the insecurity of seeing someone she hadn't seen in roughly four years and the last time she sent any communication to him was through a sympathy card with some flowers when she heard of the passing of Opie Winston.

So now sitting here on the cold metal bench was not helping that fact she wanted to just forget wanting to see him and why she thought that this was a good idea in the first place. She should have nixed the idea when she read when visiting you could not wear a bra with an underwire as it would have set off the metal detectors. How certain colors and outfits were restricted. She did not know how wives, partners, mothers, etc. could do this with all the restrictions when visiting a loved one. However she felt everyone was right being in a prison did give you a lot of "me" time to think, she was not even locked up, and she seemed to be having an existential crisis sitting on the hard metal bench.

It also was not helping the looks she was receiving from the guards or she should say the leers and she thought they were deliberately taking their grand ole time taking in her information to be approved to be a visitor. Yes she expected to take a while as this was the first time ever visiting someone in lock up, but come on it was going on to about forty five minutes now they were just messing with her as she was the only on in the goddamn room. With the wait though she should have been trying to think of what she was going to say to him as  _hey how are you doing_  was not exactly going to be a good conversation starter as she knew how exactly he was doing.

He was probably hurt, angry, and broken.

"Ms. Joslyn Anderson." She was startled out of her thoughts by the guard who seemed to be enjoying her presence the most. This guard reminded her of Jim Carry's version of Lemony Snicket and she made sure she kept her distance while he escorted her to one of the more secluded visiting areas where there were only about seven tables in the room.

The guard opened the door and she already heard the other guard in the room ordering him to stand.

Joslyn took a deep breath and hoped this did not turn to be a bad idea.

One very bad idea.

* * *

Thinking, analyzing, and calculating that was what Jax had been doing since the cops slapped his wrists in hand cuffs that night in his kitchen. He was trying to keep his emotions in check when thinking of how this retaliation was going to go and how to do it smoothly, but the rage was there bubbling on the surface waiting to be let out to avenge. It was too the point he could feel his fists shaking waiting to find a source of impact. Luckily Jax had a cell to himself and he didn't know if he could function having an inmate all in his business or in his luck know who he was and be used as some type of leverage for some punk wanting to prove himself.

So like now Jax was analyzing practically every move he made in his life on how did he let it get this bad and too this point. The point he let his family take the fall and suffer for his mistakes. For his arrogance that he thought he could change the future for the club like his father. Right there that arrogance was what killed his wife. He may not have given that fatal brutal blow to his wife, but he gave that ammunition. Tara was right the longer they stayed in Charming the more they turned into the people they hated most, and he, was, is turning into a monster. All she wanted was to save their boys.

"Teller, visitor!" A guard shouted before opening the gate to his cell.

Jax furrowed his brow slowly getting up from his top bunk and tried to think of who could be visiting him. His mom was just here yesterday, and he told the guys to not visit as August was able to get him a burner to talk quickly with them. He was sure if something did happen the DA would have made a personal appearance in his own damn cell to give him the information. The guard escorting him he noticed was giving him a smile as if he had a secret making the hairs on Jax neck peek to attention, "You got something to say?" He asked the beer belly guard around Jax's own height. Jax's knew crooked cops when he saw one and this guy was a filthy pig.

Beer belly gave Jax a smile that was really setting alarms off in his head, "Oh, I just got a peek at your visitor, too bad you aint having a conjugal."

Jax shook his head in disgust as they reached his destination and was escorted into the open visiting area and luckily beer belly was not the guard going to be overseeing this visit who he had no idea who it was. He was pretty sure it was not Wendy and he really hoped it was not her. He was still sore from her trying to worm her way into Abel's life like she didn't almost kill him and he seriously wondered why Tara even got her involved back in all their lives. Until he knew her drug use wasn't a problem he still couldn't trust her around his kids. He could cross Lyla off the list because she would have no reason to visit. He was also pretty sure Collette wouldn't visit after all that had went down. So who would be visiting? Jax took a seat at the table furthest away from the door and felt like he was waiting forever until the guard told him to rise.

* * *

Joslyn made her way in making sure she didn't get close to Lemony who was still leering at her. She made it into the room and when making eye contact with Jax she watched as confusion, recognition, surprise, and then hesitancy cross his face and she was really thinking it was a bad idea. She did not walk any further into the room as she became more hesitant, "I-I can go. I understand if you don't want to see me."

Of all the people Jax thought he would ever see again he did not expect to ever see Joslyn Anderson to see him and of all in prison for parole violation and being a suspect in his wife's murder.

Like how they first met, the chocolate brown hair and grey eyed woman had a knack for appearing in his life at his most troubled times in his life pertaining to his significant others. He remembered when they first met he was pissed off yet again finding out Wendy had another relapse then to top it off a car not paying attention to where she was backing out at in her parking spot ended on backing into his bike with him on it. Luckily, he was able to jump off the bike fast enough before being toppled by the weight. He was this close of seriously cussing whomever it was out, but out hopped a young petite girl wide eye in some daisy dukes and wife beater profusely apologizing on the verge of tears saying she will pay for any damage. Being a lothario, which he was back in the day, he was so distracted by what she had on display he immediately forgot about his problems with Wendy and was working on making this girl a new distraction.

Eventually she came to be one and a little more.

Realizing he had not said anything moved from behind the table to the side in the open space, "No, its fine. I'm just surprised to see you."

Joslyn gave him a small smile and made her way to meet Jax at the table and was surprised when he engulfed her into a hug. It amazed her how much time had passed between them, but she felt that security in his arms. How she felt protected which was comical to her since they were currently meeting again in a prison.

Pulling back, she looked into Jax's blue eyes that were so cold that they sent a shiver down her spine. She realized this was not the same Jax she met, the long blonde locks she used to tell him made him look like a surfer boy were gone along with his beard that now was slowly growing. Bulky muscles replaced his sinewy physique. However, all she could see was a broken mask of a man. She recalled this same look on him when he unexpectedly showed up on her doorstep his eyes with darken with bags under them. His former long locks meeting his shoulders in disarray from his helmet, and rocking a goatee. He did not want to go in the house all he said was he wanted to make sure  _she_  was okay. He revealed his son was kidnapped and he kept reiterating and echoing he needed to see if  _she_  was okay. He had the same look in his eyes, the same cold look. Clearing her throat, she slowly backed away from him, "I'm sorry about Tara."

Jax slowly nodded his head and motioned for her to sit while he did the same. He cleared his own throat for any emotions that threatened to spill before speaking. "Thanks."  He ran his hands through his hair a disbelieving smile graced his lips, "I don't know what to say. I really never expected to see you again."

"Yeah, I wasn't sure if this was a good idea and all." For some reason Joslyn was not able to make eye contact with Jax and was looking anywhere but his eyes.

"Why we never had any problems." Jax asked truly perplexed. Jax always thought of Joslyn as a rare gem. Not that she was a pushover or anything, but she never wanted to cause or start trouble when by the end of the courtship she had all rights to do so.

But she never did.

She seemed to get him without really knowing all of him. Really the plain way to put it, she was, is, the only female to never cause Jax any problems in his highly complicated life.

"I know, but the circumstances. I just didn't want to- It's just been so long."

"I understand. It's been what three-four years? You still living in Eureka?"

"Yeah, I'm still there."

"Well that is a far drive. You make it down here alright?" Jax said thinking about his long ago run that involved a detour saving Tig from some bounty hunters when they were doing a "blood drive" for the kids down there.

"Yeah, the only problem is here with the pickets." Joslyn said slightly nodding her head to the guard by the door.

Jax briefly eyed the guard by the door then returned his gaze back to Joslyn who was looking at her hands thanking god this was not a conjugal visit. "Yeah they are all pigs here. They didn't touch you or anything?"

Joslyn finally looked up at Jax seeing some warmth seep into his eyes and smiled at his general concern for her, "No, they are just looking. I am used to it. God does that make me sound conceited?"

Jax cracked a little smile for the first time in a week since everything had happened, "Nah. So how have you been?"

"I have been good. Nothing really happens in Eureka. It is a quiet little city." Joslyn said being deliberately vague with her answer.

"I didn't ask about Eureka darlin'. I asked about you."

"There really isn't anything to really say Jax; I am really a boring person."

Jax scooted closer to the table a smile still tugging at his lips if memory served him correctly Joslyn was anything but a boring person, "I have a hard time believing that one. You were always a busy body I always had a hard time trying to track you down when you were not rear ending me."

When Jax and Joslyn met she was on her last semester in college for her bachelors in healthcare management, so when they did become friends the only time they really had time to see each other was during a late midnight visit or if he would make a surprise visit to her campus that only happened a few times. He remembered when she told him she was getting a degree in that profession, the medical field; his immediate thought was of course Tara. He would take interest in a girl who could pique his attention with her looks but keep his attention with her brain. He remembered always trying to find something to compare Joslyn to Tara with, but he never could besides being in college. Joslyn did not come from a single parent household with the remaining parent being a drunk. Joslyn came from a two-parent household her parents never married as Joslyn told him "they don't believe in marriage" and she described her parents as being some warped version of hippies as their farm was a junkyard. She also was not an only child, she was the youngest, and had four older siblings, her sister being the oldest with three older brothers. The crazy thing at the time he never asked for their names like she never asked the name for his brother.

For the first time for Jax though, he was able to see someone could feel the void Tara left in him. He was not saying he was in love with Joslyn but towards the end of their relationship they both could say it was a superficial courtship. They did not really know anything about each other except the surface facts. He thought they both could admit though the potential was there.

"That was only the one time you never let me live that down. You know you were a cheeky bastard that day." Joslyn said recalling when she was about to cry her eyes out over getting in her first but minor accident to just realizing Jax was hitting on her when trying to exchange information so she could pay for the damage.

Jax smiled at Joslyn's description of him that day and interlaced his fingers together putting his hands on the table, "Hey, you still agreed to have a drink with me that day."

Thinking back to that "drink", Jax took her to one of the bars in small town Charming named,  _Aces_ , that was conveniently located a little over two blocks from her apartment. She would give it to Jax he was smooth, made her feel like the only girl in the world, but he was also trying to have her throw back the liquor her small frame wouldn't be able to burn off. She knew they did not have any concrete conversations not that she minded. She knew all Jax wanted was her to be a notch on his bedpost. Therefore, she went along with the flirty ways leading him on only for her to pull back a little. Be a tease, as he would call her later. She remembered him taking her back to her apartment them at a standstill at her door. She remembered going in for the kill wrapping her arms around his neck her chest pressed against his in his leather cut she never inquired about. She knew he thought that she was going to open her door and lead him to her bed, but instead she gave him a quick kiss on his cheek with an even quicker goodbye watching as his eyes widen with shocked and then gave her an impressed smile before yelling through her door that he will see her again.

He did though for the next three months.

Thinking back to those three months of her and Jax it was not a serious relationship at all. After about a week of "teasing" Jax she let him in nothing she ever regretted because despite how artificial the relationship was back then there was always that potential, the possibility, she could have fallen in love with him. Despite what she would later find out that he was married, although he filed for divorce, if they probably would have dig deeper and ignored the mentality that what they had was a fling. Maybe where they both were at right now in their lives would be different. She would give a fleeting thought to the notion of being in love with Jax when he would sometimes stay at her apartment both of them lying in bed enjoying post-coitus bliss. It was his candid moments though that she really played with the word love. She would creep out of her bedroom and find him sitting at her table in her small dainty kitchen his pack of cigarettes on the table one waiting to be lit in his mouth while he would be toying with his zippo lighter. His action of lightening the cigarette and watching the flames dance for a moment before extinguishing it was where she would feel honored seeing the raw emotions pass through him, but then she would be reminded she did not really know this man at all. The cut that hung on the back of her chair proudly displaying he was the Vice President of the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle club and a Men of Mayhem told her that and she was hardly ever privy to the thoughts in his head that were clearly troubling him.

She knew back in that time he was obviously dealing with more shit than her because all she had to deal with was worrying about how she was going to finish her 15 page papers due and what tests she needed to cram for. She knew she was nothing more than a reprieve for him. A distraction he found her in her apartment 505.

Like she said though there was that potential if they would have dug deeper into the surface, but they never did especially at the end but because of her fear of causing trouble for his wife and his life in general she let him go not thinking of the consequence she would need to face.

After some quiet from both ends obviously thinking about their history, "So you have two sons now?" Joslyn asked knowing the Jax she knew was not ready to be a father, but now he was.

Jax smiled sadly at the mention of his two boys and sat up straighter on the bench. "Yeah, Abel and Thomas."

"How do you like it being a dad?"

"It's hard." Jax deadpanned but a smile sidles onto his face.

Joslyn chuckled at Jax's answer, "Yeah being a parent isn't easy. You always have to be aware of what you are doing because even if you do not mean for it to happen they are affected by our actions."

Joslyn had no idea how hard those words hit home with Jax. How they related to him and Tara. How his actions especially ones for the club always seemed to cause more destruction at home than the streets. Only one person in his family was not affected by his actions, but that was because he let go of his first family, his first-born, a luxury he tried to give Tara when she had that job offer in Oregon. "I know I have no right to ask, you don't have to answer, I will completely understand, how is she though Karina? She will be turning six in December right?"

"December 12." Joslyn said giving him a smile at the mention of her little girl.

"You're not mad I don't know that?" Jax once again was stumped how Joslyn could never get angry, like there was not an angry bone in her petite frame. Maybe being raised by hippies did that to her.

Joslyn shook her head her wavy hair bouncing a little with life her smile turning into a thin line on her face before answering him. "You know I am not bitter like that Jax. We both knew the consequences from our decision."

"I know, but she still is my daughter. I'm still her father."


	2. two.

_**Not shy of a spark** _

_**A knife twists at the thought that I should fall short of the mark** _

_**Frightened by the bite though it's no harsher than the bark** _

_**Middle of adventure, such a perfect place to start** _

_**-505 by Arctic Monkeys** _

* * *

Joslyn tucked her daughter in smoothing her daughter's blonde hair back from covering her eyes. Since meeting with Jax going on almost two weeks ago she never realized how much of Jax was in their daughter. She knew the blonde hair came from him, as it was the most obvious characteristic. It was the little quirks that were making them known. The shape of her face, Karina's smile, and the little mannerisms when she was concentrating on something her eyebrows would scrunch in thought then return to their neutral position when she got a conclusion. Just like Jax's did. Now thinking about it she thought when Karina got in a funk it probably came from her dad because the terrible twos were not fun.

During her visit with Jax, she felt that feeling in the pit of his stomach where she could not breathe like when someone pinched you to hard you were frozen from the nip of pain. She wondered if she and Jax were right in terminating all contact leaving her to be a single mother. She even declined receiving any aid from him. Now seeing him despite the circumstance, she now contemplated if she made a mistake. Despite what anyone said, a child needed to know both of their parents other than their name. Of course, this did not apply to all and every situation because she barely even knew who Jax really was, but in her opinion, her daughter deserved to have a father figure in her life.

Giving her daughter a kiss on the forehead, she made her way back into her living room to continue packing for their move back to her hometown of Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

* * *

Bobby. All he could think about was Bobby's last moments. The gun going off after Bobby tried to warn him, the shot ringing in his ears, and catching his fallen friend before he hit the ground. He knew he underestimated Marks and all his warnings. Now all he can think was he was maybe a walking breathing reaper. With everything he did, everyone that was exposed to him all of them got hurt in some way, shape, or form.

The lethal result being death.

Just like what came to Bobby.

He knew he needed to be smart about this. He needed some clarity the cabin was not going to give him. He needed to see someone who was removed from the situation someone that did not know Jax Teller, the President of an outlaw motorcycle club.

* * *

Jax pulled into the driveway of a two story home.

The house exterior is tan paneling; there was an open porch in the front with a patio swing with a miniature table and chairs for a toddler. The porch was outlined with a bed of flowers instantly reminding him of his mom's love of gardening. Removing his helmet along with his riding glasses and gloves, he could make out a faint glow of light that was being emitted from a window towards the side of the house. A small smile formed on his face. He was comforted by the fact Joslyn had been able to provide for herself and their daughter without any help from anyone. She had been raising their daughter by herself and he walked away from them and did not even put up a fight.

Walking up to the steps of her porch, Joslyn must have heard his bike as he didn't even get his hand up to knock on the door before it opened revealing Joslyn looking shocked to see him on her doorstep.

Joslyn pushed some discarded hair behind her ear suddenly self-conscious in nothing but her short shorts and plain black beater, "Jax, uh hi, is everything okay?"

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah, of course," Joslyn said without a second thought opening the door wider letting Jax back into her home.

Jax walked through the threshold he cannot help but think back to a similar situation years ago.

Jax had a lot of noise in his head from dealing with club business. He cannot even remember what happened or what had him out of sorts. He just remembered he did not want to deal want to be in the clubhouse any longer with croweaters pushing up on him or the club including his mom's ever watchful eyes on him. So he decided to seek refuge in the one place that had no connection or association with the club being Joslyn's apartment.

Taking in what Joslyn was wearing saw the similarities to this situation years ago with him unexpectedly showing up at her doorstep. She was in similar attire shorts and a beater hair up in a messy bun the same shocked expression on her face in seeing him at her house so late no doubt interrupting her sleep. She still let him in. Didn't ask any questions. Just let him in and locked the door behind him grabbed his hand and lead him back to her bedroom. That was probably the night they conceived Karina. It was not the usual hot and heavy that they were used to doing. It was slow and steady and this time he actually paid attention to every detail on Joslyn. Her sharp intake of breathes when he hit a spot that made her squeeze her legs around him tighter. How her hair was flared out on the pillow creating a halo. How she would moan his name while her nails raked down his back. After the climax that had both of them panting for oxygen his head buried in the side of neck planting a few light feathery kisses causing her to tighten more around him from her being overly sensitive. When he trailed back to her mouth the smile both of them gave each other into the kiss she had her eyes closed and she did open them her eyes were cloudy from lust until they cleared over her grey eyes almost sparkling. She gave him another lazy smile and her hands ran through his hair playing with his tips. Jax would never admit it aloud but he found it relaxing even comforting when Joslyn would run her fingers through his hair something that no other women did in his life. Joslyn was never afraid to touch him. Something that he loved about her something that stirred something in him he only felt one time, but it did not make him sad or long for the former woman that used to be his whole world. It made him feel that he could find love or comfort in someone else that there would always be someone else to show him you can move on.

Jax took in all the boxes that were stacked in Joslyn's house taking occupancy in her hallway, "You moving?"

"Yeah, I am actually moving back to my hometown of Sioux Falls, South Dakota."

"You didn't mention that back in lockup?" Everyone was leaving Jax thought.

Everyone.

It was as if everyone could easily just uproot themselves from their whole world wherever they were based at. It just killed him that one thing that all families do in moving out of a neighborhood to find a better place to raise their kids was something Tara so desperately wanted but he kept holding her back. Then when he finally opened his eyes cleared the fog from his glasses, it was too late.

Too goddamn late.

Joslyn shrugged her shoulders, "There are a lot of things I didn't mention while visiting you in lockup."

Jax nodded his head inspecting what he assumed to be the living room as there was a couch and an entertainment stand, "So I didn't realize how nice of a place you got."

Joslyn followed Jax into her living room and grabbed a discarded hoodie to cover herself up, "Yeah you never left the doorstep the last time you came by."

Jax walked over to the fireplace looking at the pictures lining the fireplace of a little blonde hair girl smiling brightly. He smilied at the various pictures documenting the girl's school years, "Blonde hair huh?"

"Yeah and I think she got your attitude too."

"My attitude?" Jax said smiling at the thought. Somewhat proud that his kids' at least got something other than his looks because between his boys despite being a spitting image of their father their personality and mannerisms were all Tara.

"Yeah the terrible twos were not fun you are lucky you missed out on that."

"You mind if I see her? I won't wake her up or anything."

"Okay, we just need to be quiet she is a light sleeper." Joslyn said while leading him up the stairs. Jax smirked at the mention of his daughter being a light sleeper. Maybe Joslyn was right she did inherit some of Jax's personality even though his reason for being a light sleeper stemmed from different reasons. Walking up the wooden steps that were lightly creaking from his weight he looked at more pictures that were lining the walls. More of Karina one with her in soccer gear her right foot on the ball smiling at the camera and some with an older gentlemen the one that caught his eye was the one with her and the man holding a fish. Jax cannot help but feel a rush of jealously that another man was experiencing things with his daughter that he walked away from.

Bringing his attention back to Joslyn who was leading him down the hall he noticed like he did when she visited him in locked up she was still beautiful and looked like she hadn't aged at all of course since with childbirth she had a little bit more curves. She was still short her head barely reaching the base of his neck. However, what he was trying to find any evidence of a male figure prominent in her life. She had no ring and there was not a male's influence seen anywhere in the house although she was packing. They stopped at a door at the end of the hall decorated with a big K and Joslyn put her hand on the doorknob before stopping and turned to face him.

"Please just try not to wake her. I don't want to have to explain to Karina who you really are just for you to drop out of her life again." Joslyn immediately putting a hand over her face, "God that sounded so harsh."

Jax placed a hand on her shoulder, "I understand. I won't wake her."

"Okay. I will be downstairs packing take all the time you want." Joslyn gave him a reassuring smile and opened the door letting him in.

Jax was honest he expected to see princesses to be the theme but instead it was a simple room light blue walls and instead of princesses adorning the wall it was of female superheroes. The only thing that he noticed that was even remotely princess was an acoustic guitar that had a princess with long blonde hair and a purple dress. Picking up the guitar, it immediately reminded him of Bobby. Bobby Elvis the entertainer  who always was belting out a tune either of Elvis or of what he was feeling from his heart. Setting the guitar down, he continued his observation of the room noticing awards for soccer and is immediately impressed since she was young to already be getting awards. He already noticed the easel set in a corner of the room along with a desk walking closer to it he noticed a journal resting on it standing out from the rest of the chaos on her desk. Karina seemed to inherit more of him than he and maybe Joslyn thought.

Walking to the bed containing his oldest child he smiled as she was curled in a little ball with her blonde hair peeking out from beneath her blanket. Instinctively he wanted to reach out to pat her head the same way he did to Abel every time he saw him.

Looking at his daughter though, he cannot decide if she looked like Joslyn or him. It was like a perfect combination of their features. Yeah he knew he can't really tell since she was sleeping but he remembered watching Joslyn sleep those years ago and how her mouth sometimes set in a pout like Karina's was now, but then Karina had his nose and the blonde hair almost made him thinking he was looking at him from his baby pictures and maybe even Abel.

Just thinking about Abel his troubles at school and how he was acting he thpught maybe the good thing about cutting off contact with Joslyn because his daughter did not have to feel the frustrations his son was currently facing. Karina still had her mother. The pinch of regret he had been feeling since that visit with Joslyn in lockup slowly ebbed away. He thought though soon once everything was settled his sons will know the peace that Karina was surely growing up in.

Taking his chances, he bent down giving his daughter a kiss on the head and was hit with the familiar scent of the baby shampoo that Tara used on both Abel and Thomas. Pulling back he squeezed his eyes shut hoping to get his emotions, tears, at bay; he took one last glance at his daughter when a picture catches his eye that was resting on her nightstand not even in a picture frame. Picking it up it was of Joslyn and Karina, Karina smiling real wide with Joslyn bending down behind her head on her shoulder smiling just as brightly and Jax can't help himself as he took the picture sliding in a pocket of his cut making sure it was secured.

Leaving the room and walking down the stairs he found Joslyn now in her dining room wrapping ornaments in newspaper before placing them inside a box. Jax leaned against the frame of the arch, "She is beautiful. I was expecting princesses to adorn her wall though."

"I guess we did make a gorgeous baby," Joslyn said looking up from her packing. "As for the superheroes my Uncle would take her to the movies. She loves the Avengers; especially Black Widow my personal favorite though is Captain America."

Jax cannot but shake his head at her statement; of course, she liked Captain America. Walking into the dining room taking a seat next to where Joslyn was standing her eyes watching his movement. "She seems to be real happy I don't even really know what to say." Jax grabbied her hand interlacing their fingers together, "You are a wonderful mother. The pictures seeing how happy she is the smiles on her face, I can't believe I walked away from that."

Jax felt Joslyn give his hand a squeeze, "It's all in the past Jax. I'm not saying it wasn't hard but I know deep down you didn't walk away because you were married and did not want a kid."

Jax still with her hand in his hold rubbed his thumb across her bare fingers noticing no rings decorated her hand especially her ring finger looking up feeling Joslyn's gaze which was looking at him curiously, "She ever ask about me?" He asked letting go of her hand.

Joslyn nodded and gave him a small smile, "Of course she does."

"What do you say?"

"Well she knows your name is Jackson I never told her your last name. She sometimes asks what you were like and I tell her what I know which is very little. If she asks why you are not here, I tell her that daddy wanted us to be happy, but now that she is getting older that answer isn't working. It's just hard because even though she never met you she still misses you."

Jax noticed the slight tremble in her hands when she told him the last part. "Does she ask about me a lot?"

"Now she is. It's not a big deal, honestly."

"Hey no tell me."

"It's just my uncle recently passed away and he was a permanent sort of father figure in her life. Then my fiancé and I broke up, which would technically make him my ex-fiancé, but she is worried about the men that were in her life always leaving and now with us moving she is scared you will never find us." Joslyn said with unshed tears that are escaping through her voice.

"I'm sorry. I am sorry about your uncle and about everything." That was only what Jax can honestly tell her. He knew right now how it felt to lose someone. He also knew what it was like having a child question everything going on in their life, unlike his sons at home who have their grandma, their extended family being the club Karina only had her mother, and he cannot help but feel the guilt that he willingly walked away from them.

"You're not sorry about the ex-fiancé?"

Hearing the teasing tone in Joslyn's voice a smirk crossed his features, "Hey, why should I be sorry he obviously let go an incredible woman."

Joslyn rolled her eyes, "You are such an ass."

Jax gave her a cheeky grin in return, "So what did happen?"

"Oh I think he didn't realize his commitment with me included Karina as well. Now don't get me wrong he treated Karina perfectly fine, but I always got that feeling he didn't like Karina was not biologically his and his mom made her distaste well known so he had that noise in his head. It's whatever though no biggie."

"How long were you together?"

"Three years give or take."

Jax nodded his head cannot help but have a bitter taste in his mouth at the thought of this person getting to watch his daughter grow up shaking his head the clock chimed signaling it is midnight catches his attention.

As if Joslyn could read his mind, "You have to go?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, I'll walk you out."

Jax cannot help but think back to another similarity of the situation. Her walking him to the door but back then she would be rocking sex hair, in boy shorts and whatever shirt she was wearing before he ripped it off. She would kiss him on the cheek giving him a coy smile before he would pull her into him by her head giving her a deep slow kiss that now thinking about it could be interpreted in many different ways. Only this time it was not an abrupt phone call making him leave.

It was just they are two different people now.

Joslyn followed him onto the porch and he started walking down the steps before retracing his steps back up to her grabbing her and softly cradling her face between his hands, "I'm sorry I really am that I willingly walked away from you and Karina. Don't say we both decided it, it is still on my end I waited six years to see how she was to ask anything about her. You have every right to slam the door in my face. I want to get to know my daughter." Jax almost wanted to ask more. Tell her he wants what they had the potential of becoming back.

Joslyn looked up in his eyes her eyes looking glossy, "Jax what is going on?"

"I can't with everything that is happening in Charming I don't want any of my shit following you down here."

"Jax –"

Jax shook his head halting whatever she had to say smoothing her hair down, "You know if we lived in a perfect world or got do overs I would go back never went back to ex-wife I would have stayed declared you my old lady. But I knew back than you were too good to be part of my world and it would have been selfish to keep you in Charming. It was always there, it is still there I just wish things were different because I want to you know but I'm not perfect. I'm flawed and I don't want to bleed all over you and Karina."

"Jax I don't want perfect."

Jax did not say anything but just gave her a kiss on the forehead.

Jax straddling his bike putting on his gear felt Joslyn's eye watching his every move. Jax looked at her before starting his engine her garden catching his eye again, "I didn't take you for a green thumb."

"I'm not. This is all the doing of my neighbor. I'm not one for getting my hands dirty it drives me crazy when dirt gets under my fingernails."

Jax laughed he was reminded why she was different from everyone else and for some reason it settled him that she was not like his mom being a green thumb he just wished he knew why. Giving Joslyn a nod of the head signaling he was leaving he watched her walk into her house.

Now he was back alone with his thoughts and he was going back to Charming and creating more cracks in his flawed way of life.


	3. three.

**But I crumble completely when you cry**

**It seems like once again you've had to greet me with goodbye**

**I'm always just about to go and spoil a surprise**

**Take my hands off of your eyes too soon**

**-505 by Arctic Monkeys**

* * *

Joslyn cannot stop thinking about her last visit between her and Jax for the last couple of days. She rememberrf how fast her heart was beating when he came back on the porch basically declaring in a subliminal way he loved or her or was in love with her and would do a do-over and been a family with her and Karina. She also saw part of the man that she did not know where he told her he was flawed and she could see the trouble and pain radiating through his eyes. She knew one thing she needed to stop thinking about was Jax and she should have never opened that door in visiting him when he was locked up. Besides the feelings she thought were never there were seeping back into her veins she felt guilty her daughter had yet to meet the other half of her and probably never will with them moving across the country in a couple days. Luckily, Karina was at a friend's house for her last night in Eureka and Joslyn could probably extract any doubts or lingering feelings about this move and Jax without her daughter's ever-keen eyes.

Joslyn was taping the last of the boxes to be put on the moving truck when an impatient knock rattled the door startling her out of her thoughts and causing her to drop her roll of tape. Gingerly walking to her main window in the living room, she noticed a black motorcycle sitting in her driveway meaning it could only be one person.

Quickly opening the door despite some sliver of elation she felt at seeing Jax, it was quickly diminished by the fact it was extremely late at night and he was making another house call and she could see his eyes were rimmed with tears. "Jax is everything okay?"

Joslyn watched as Jax gave her a shaky watery smile before wiping his eyes trying to erase any evidence of tears that were leaking out of his eyes. While he was doing this Joslyn took a real good look over of Jax and noticed blood splatter all over his white sneakers. His white sneakers she was always amazed that never got dirty. Joslyn released a gasp out of shock and fear, "Jax what happened?"

"It's not mine, I can't stay long, but I wanted to tell you I have things set in motion for you and Karina."

"Jax what are you talking about? Can you please just come in?" Joslyn reached out to grab Jax's hand to pull him inside her house, but all it did was give him the advantage of him pulling her to him. She gave him a questioning look before he connected his lips to hers.

The lips she could never forget. How they would dance against hers. She would always be comforted by the taste of the nicotine cigarettes he would smoke throughout the day. His lips could always tell her a story she sometimes could never get especially the ending. Like now, how she could feel the pain and sadness radiating in this kiss. It was almost as if he was searching for something in her lips. His tears were the ink and his lips were the pages. He broke the kiss when they both neeed to come for air, but his lips still hovered over hers. "I'm sorry for leaving you to raise our daughter alone. Joslyn if I ever see myself being happy again it would be with you, but the women I love in my life seem to get hurt and I refuse to let another woman I love to get hurt because of my shit."

Joslyn finally opened her eyes them imploring in his for some answer, "Jax your scaring me."

As if he was purposely avoiding answering her inquires, "I'm glad you ended things when you did you know that. I was too immature back then and I would have ruined you."

Joslyn covered his hands with her small petite ones, "Jax what is going on? Please tell me." Joslyn eyes now mirrored Jax's watery ones.

She received a shake of his head, "Just promise me you will never tell Karina about who I am. Just keep it simple."

Now Joslyn was really confused and now getting borderline angry, "Jax you are really starting to scare me and piss me off with these vague answers."

"I know and I'm sorry." Jax gave her one last kiss before making his way back to his bike leaving Joslyn baffled about what just happened.

Joslyn rushed down her stairs after him and grabbed his arm turning him around, "Karina and I are leaving the day after tomorrow to move to Sioux Falls. I don't know what is going on with you, but maybe you should come with us. Bring your boys or if you just need to get away to clear your head please come with us."

Joslyn's heart drops though at the small smile Jax gave her while he went to grab his helmet, "I'll think about it babe."

"Why does it feel like you are saying goodbye Jax?" Joslyn said her voice quivering tears now freely flowing looking at Jax or the shell of him.

Jax puts down his black helmet and making his way back to Joslyn, "I'm poison J, look what I am doing to you now." Jax informed her wiping her tears away with his thumbs.

"I am only crying because you are scaring the crap out of me with these vague sayings."

"Maybe if you never back ended me we wouldn't be here right now."

Joslyn shook her head, "Don't say that."

"I refuse to let what happened to Tara to happen to you."

Joslyn looked down at his bloody sneakers a grim smile overtook her features, "You got your revenge didn't you."

Like he had been doing since he arrived on her doorstep, he did not answer her. Joslyn knew though, that was what he did. He killed whoever killed his wife. Her eyes went back to his and she could finally see everything he wanted to hide and keep hidden from her. His shame, how he was a monster, and a murderer his hands that were caked in blood that she knew will never be washed off no matter how hard he scrubbed. Maybe this was the first time Joslyn's eyes were finally seeing what Jax really wanted her to see. The man she thought she knew was no longer in him. He was utterly broken and no one was able to fix him. He just wanted to give her a peace of mind -maybe.

"You know it would be easier if you hated me."

"It's kind of hard when I get the feeling that no one can hate you more than yourself right now."

Jax gave her a humorless laugh with a smile to match, "Yeah, maybe your right." She felt Jax hands travel to her upper arms giving them a squeeze before traveling down to her waist bringing her closer to him. "If you could tell me anything a lie or a truth what would you tell me?"

"I  _don't_ love you."

They both knew that was a lie, but they both desperately cling to it as if they believe it will turn into a truth.

* * *

Joslyn was sipping on her chocolate milk before finishing packing and starting to load their moving truck. She would be lying if she said she was not exhausted, but she was and it was not physically but emotionally. Jax just left, did not make any promise of ever seeing each other again, and this caused her to get a restless sleep. Maybe Jax was right if she hated him right now everything would be easier but it isn't.

It amazed her how one action caused a domino effect in her life. She barely used to think about Jax in the past only when Karina would ask who her father was and even then, Joslyn did not feel the emotions that were causing her exhaustion now. As her emotions made her check  _Charming Gazette_  on the internet hoping she wouldn't see Jax's name in the headlines. Too much relief there was not, so was almost tempted to unpack the TV just to watch the news if anything did happen.

Looking at the time seeing it was noon, she had at least to four or five o'clock to get most of the boxes in the trailer before Karina is dropped off back home. Going back and forth with boxes, it was a surprisingly quiet day in the neighborhood usually you can hear the kids playing outside or her neighbor Ms. Carmine in her garden.

Something was just off with this day, just like something was off with Jax last night.

Shaking her head of the infection of Jax that was cursing through her mind, she tried and thought about her move back to her family, back to Sioux Falls. Her parents and her siblings will surround her, sure, she will finally have to face the wrath of her not bringing Karina down sooner or really telling her parents about Karina's father, but it will be nice getting out of California. She will work in the HR department of her older brother Jamie's private practice. Karina will get to meet her older cousins. She and Joslyn could start fresh.

Sliding one of the last boxes into the trailer Joslyn had worked up some perspiration and her arms along with her back muscles ached. She had forty-five minutes until her baby girl returned to their home for their last night.

Joslyn coming out of the long shower she didn't anticipate on taking that long she saw it was ten minutes pass five and no signs of Karina being home. Looking out the window, she arched her eyebrow at the murder of crows darkening the sky as they passed through. That was something she did not see every day.

Sitting on the lone couch, which was one of the few pieces of furniture that they will be leaving here at the house she checked her phone seeing it was thirty minutes past five now she was getting worried. Although she did understand that this wass Karina's last night in Eureka, she probably wanted a little extra time with her friends. Like expected her thoughts drift to Jax.

Jackson Teller, the outlaw biker and the father of her daughter. It would be so much easier if she hated him. Hate him for easily walking away from her and their daughter without any fight. Hate him for revealing to her that throughout their entire fling, or when you look at it now affair, he was married. She should hate him how he never once tried to get into contact with her on their daughter. He did not send any type of assistance. However, at the end of the day, she cannot and she wished she knew why she can't.

The sound of a quiet knock on the door interrupted her thoughts causing her to slightly jump up from the couch. Joslyn made her way to the door not even checking whom it when a male voice spoke out to her, "I hope I am not too late."


End file.
